The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.

The cosmos is a gigantic flywheel making 10,000 revolutions per minute. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it.

Alimony: the ransom the happy pay to the devil.

Love: The delusion that one woman differs from another.

I detest converts almost as much as I do missionaries.

If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse – as a man shoots himself.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.