A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.

Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing.

College football would be more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students – there would be a great increase in broken arms, legs and necks.

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends

New York: A third-rate Babylon.

Creator: a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

The best years are the forties; after fifty a man begins to deteriorate, but in the forties he is at the maximum of his villainy.