He marries best who puts it off until it is too late.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another

Men are the only animals that devote themselves, day in and day out, to making one another unhappy. It is an art like any other. Its virtuosi are called altruists.

Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.

Sunday: A day given over by Americans to wishing they were dead and in heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in hell.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.